


Burdens Of The Soul

by dhyanshiva



Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:07:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24789718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhyanshiva/pseuds/dhyanshiva
Summary: Aman had returned the embrace immediately, not daring to discern how many times Kartik had been forced to act as his own anchor, bring himself to shore, find shelter from the storm in his solitude.Or, an insight into Aman's thoughts and the brewing conflict within him after the Phulantari festival and the events of Chapter 28 of 'The Glass Mosaic'.
Relationships: Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	Burdens Of The Soul

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HackedByAWriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HackedByAWriter/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Glass Mosaic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23406343) by [HackedByAWriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HackedByAWriter/pseuds/HackedByAWriter). 



> In loving memory of the wonderful Sushant Singh Rajput.
> 
> As I write this note and compile the piece, I have 'Namo Namo' from Kedarnath on loop.
> 
> This is the beautiful tribute to him that sparked another onslaught of emotion that snowballed into this:
> 
> https://twitter.com/Manashi_VD/status/1273128417362415619?s=19
> 
> 22:30 17/06/20 - 00:00 18/06/20

Aman watched over, protectively, as his husband fell asleep once more after escaping the throes of the unimaginable horrors he'd just relived. Their hands were entwined and he found that he didn't want to let go, promises of captivity aside. Aman latched onto him as much as Kartik did to him and he chose not to deny that any longer. The road to this very moment had begun over a decade ago and utterly spent from the festivities but unable to escape to the land of dreams once more, Aman took this opportunity to bare his heart to himself and truly reflect on all that had happened.

_Dekha Hai_

_Khaawbo Ko Bikharte Huye_

_Ghamon Se Ghar Bharte Huye_

At a young age, Aman was robbed irrevocably of his childhood and his spine infused with steel, mind sharpened and heart wrapped in barbed wire till the edges cut him, making him bleed silently. Within moments of his father's death on the battlefield making it to the private chambers where he was sitting with his Maa, all life seemed to vanish from around him, colours wiped away by their tears leaving a canvas in greyscale.

_Maine Dekha Hai_

_Manzilo Se Pehle Kahin_

_Khawahishon Ko Darte Huye_

_Lagta Hai Mujhse Hi_

_Hoke Guzre Hain Saare Gham_

_Kaise Na Bheege Mann_

There seemed to be no end to their sorrow, the soul deep grief and the dense clouds of despair seemed to insist on staying, not let any rays of hope breaking through. The shadow of Shankar's passing, his memories seemed to hang over them. Any dreams Aman had were chased away by the duties of a King thrust upon his young, uncertain, shaking shoulders without a second thought. He stumbled and faltered at first but soon learned to bear the weight stood up straight and looking at the other kings twice his age in the eye. Every day was a reminder of the glaring hole that his father's loss had left in his heart. Learning kingship had forced him to see the unthinkable at a very young age, mature all too soon and Aman felt well beyond his years within a year of ruling in his father's wake. How can it be expected that his heart remain unburdened?

_Bheege Naina Kaare Din_

_Kaari Raina Bheege Mann_

_Bheege Naina Kaare Din_

_Kaari Raina Iss Kadar_

It seemed the role of a ruler had bled into the way he conducted himself beyond the throne room. His mother's tears became all too familiar, the tracks that graced her face becoming the norm. Yet, over time, Aman couldn't find it in him to weep outwardly and so, his heart wept in his stead, each night in the privacy of his chambers.

Or the unexpected (was it really though? Perhaps everyone was still tending to these wounds and these were inflicted a little too soon) fallout between his aunt and uncle. The tears of his cousins, the sheen over his uncle's eyes didn't escape his notice, though they'd tried their best to hide it all.

Or his Chachi's muffled sobs at night for weeks afterwards - though the stoic mask donned in the day wouldn't betray that she even thought of Chaman at all. Or Rajni's tears over the scar from that devastating battle - though she hardly let the vulnerability come forth, it didn't mean she was unaffected. Of course not. Aman saw all this and his eyes stung, chest ached and heart became heavier. Still, he couldn't, _wouldn't_ weep and took it all in stride.

_Haari Hu Main Toote Dil_

_Chhoote Chaina Bhige Mann_

As King, coronated or otherwise, Aman didn't have time to tend to his own trauma, wasn't allowed to unpack it. As a consequence, he adopted many escape mechanisms. Not the frequent lovers, no, that was alright. It was fucking them in that reserved room at Ganaki's 'charming' inn only to escape through a window. As well as just going there to escape the rigour and demands of the palace. Or the escaping to street festivals in disguise and eating to his heart's content, in an attempt to compensate for the void. Or the many compositions on his beautifully carved sitar. Some unfinished still. It was something else that troubled him and ironically, on at Kartik's arrival did the doubt begin to clear away.

He didn't know his own heart, Aman could admit that much. It had been shattered and pulled back together haphazardly, a rushed attempt that left some wounds unattended to. He'd felt fleeting attraction to some men, some of his lovers too but never let his heart get the best of him. In that pursuit of pretenses of peace that seemed to forever elude him, Aman had to remember who he was, what was expected of him. This, many of those tries at unburdening himself, only resulted in ending up with a heart heavier than when he'd began.

_Kisko Kahu Main Haal Mera_

_Jab Rutha Hai Saara Hi Jahaan_

Then came the mysterious attack on Balkar and the resulting confusion.The marriage proposal from the very man he'd been nursing, nurturing a hatred for. The unexpected visit to his (beloved though he struggled to accept it) Chacha and the song of those fabled brothers. This was Aman's decision and even with a chamber, advisors that he could turn to, he felt utterly alone and not for the first time, lost. Yes, his mother and Kaali had been his primary guiding forces but he couldn't brush away the feeling of disconnect from those around him, the alienation from his environment, from himself.

That song had echoed through his head when he'd entered the temple of Okhine. When he'd sought to comfort a stranger yet somehow, in the process, had found a salve, a balm for some of his deepest, untouched wounds. A brief conversation with this Akhtari noble had dispelled the shadows, the heavy fog that he'd carried on behalf of all of Mahan, the royal family most of all. Only when he'd seen himself in the mirror was Aman able to see that the pain wasn't all his, that it wasn't all there was, that there was something to strive towards. The peace he'd longed for and let go of eventually.

_Taaron Se Tha Jisko Sajaya_

_Soona Hua Woh Aasmaan_

The disappointment had crushed him, no doubt, the revelation that the noble was Kartik himself but all Aman could recall on seeing him was Amnitabh, the glow of the lamps on his face, the fire in his eyes, the warmth of his smile.

Then the sight of Kartik as they held onto one another in the dance during Shamsheer's festival. The dopamine that coursed through his veins at the lightest touch, at clasped hands too.

The softness of his lips when a feather light kiss had completed their wedding ceremony. The longing in his gaze, the joy when they had danced at the wedding. How resplendent he looked in his festival attire, drawing everyone's eye at twilight. The awe in his beautiful eyes as they stood at the banks of Godsblade, the flames of a thousand lamps shining in those depths. The constellations mapped across his eyes, his face as they fed one another half a cashew barfi. The unmistakable contentment on his visage as they ate and danced the night away.

The brutality with which that light was extinguished by the shadows of the night, the horrors of his nightmares that had him in their clutches.The tears, the gut wrenching pleads and sobs that overwhelmed a strong, vibrant young king and turned him into a terrified boy reliving the trauma a childhood long gone, a war long fought.

The lone star in Aman's vast, dark sky had been eclipsed by shadows and Aman had been incredibly relieved to see a brief twinkle when the pain had ebbed away slightly.

_Dekha Hai_

_Zindagi Mein Jo Rang The_

_Sabhi Ko Pheenka Padte Huye_

When Kartik had described Gulnaziri to him, Aman had felt an undeniable, painful yank at his taut heartstrings. How he longed to experience colour once more, if not figuratively then literally. Kartik had brought a vibrancy to his life that till the colours had splayed themselves across his canvas and refused to be washed away, painted over, man didn't know he missed. That Aman know he longed for all these years.

_Maine Dekha Hai_

_Sahilon Se Pehle Kahin_

_Leharo Ko Bichhadte Huye_

The same bold, inquisitive man whose infectious enthusiasm had brought a smile to everyone's faces lay next to him now, hand clutching Aman's own in an unyielding grip, even in sleep. The tear tracks easily discernible on his face, long eyelashes damp and resting against flushed cheeks. The way he'd flinched and withdrawn into himself, away from Aman's touch, his almost futile attempt at bringing Kartik out of his personal hell. How he taken a heartbeat to recognise him only to leap forward and hugging him. Aman had returned the embrace immediately, not daring to discern how many times Kartik had been forced to act as his own anchor, bring himself to shore, find shelter from the storm in his solitude.

_Lagta Hai Kismato Mein_

_Ab Toh Likha Hai_

_Khaalipan_

_Kaise Na Bheege Mann_

This beautiful, self sacrificing, brave man, his his husband. The enemy. Their fates had been altered by that war, they'd been destined to cross paths and here they were. 5 months to go till Aman would have to sever their journey, cut it short. Whereas months ago, he would've anticipated the event, he found the same oppressive, unbearable, unthinkable. But no, he had to... didn't he? For above all else, Kartik was also the man that had killed his father. Aman now had another task ahead of him: trying to get his heart to agree to the prospect of a future without the man he was slowly becoming affectionate for. Perhaps even coming to love?

_Bheege Naina Kaare Din_

_Kaari Raina Bheege Mann_

**Author's Note:**

> The playlist for this piece:
> 
> Halo - Beyonce  
> Dil Jaaniye - Jubin Nautiyal and Tulsi Kumar  
> Qaafirana - Arijit Singh and Nikhita Gandhi  
> Bheege Mann - Altamash Faridi  
> Let It Go - James Bay
> 
> Abhi Na Jao Chod Kar  
> Ke Dil Abhi Bhara Nahi


End file.
